Wednesday, September 22, 2010
You just never know...
You know being an adopted kid has never been easy….It’s been really hard actually. My biological dad shows up on Christmas Eve, my eight grade year. Which was like 4 years ago? At the time I was kind of excited about seeing him, but then after he left; I realized I just wasn’t ready to have him in my life.
Now I really regret making that decision. I wish I would have written him back, called him, or something. Because now he is dead, I will never get the chance again to talk to him and tell him how I feel. Monday, after school, I got this text from my nana telling me to go straight home. I was thinking oh shit what have I done this time?!?! Well when I got home my mama and nana made me sit on the couch, I knew right then that something was wrong. My nana finally told me that my real dad, Paul, had passed away. I just went numb the second she said it. I couldn’t believe it. I waited all this time, just because I was too selfish enough to not be able to face him.
It hurts so much. I can’t talk to anyone about it. My biological mom was like cry, scream, do something, but I just sat there motionless. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I really didn’t even know what to think. I still don’t.
Today was his service thing they had for him. It took me a long time to admit that I wanted to go. I wanted my real mom to go with me, but once again she puts her other kids in front of me. So my grandmother went with me. I had never met any of these people. Some of them saw me when I was a baby, but that’s it. I just could never go see any of them. I don’t know why. I have no way of explaining it. I guess you just have to be an adopted kid to understand what I’m going through…Who knows maybe I’m just crazy.
I wish they hadn’t cremated him. Or at least let me see him one more time before they did. Dammit why didn’t I ever write him?! Ugh I piss myself off! I met all of his family and they just made me feel worse about never coming to see him. They were all so glad to see me. I met my half-sister too. Wow now she can talk… She made me feel so bad though. She just kept going on about how Paul always talked about me and wanting to see me. I didn’t want to be mean to the girl, but she was kind of annoying. She just wouldn’t give me any space tonight at all. I guess that's what little sisters are like. Everyone kept staring at me the whole time. At the end they all crowded around me, it was so weird. I didn’t know what to do or say. I’ve never been the one to be claustrophobic, but tonight I felt extremely closed in.
I am really glad that I went though. I’m glad I got to meet my great grandparents and all. It’s still gonna take some time to get use to though. At first I was afraid no one would accept me and not want me there. Oh boy how I was wrong. I’m glad I could make everyone happy, just by going. I want to go by the grave site again, when I don’t have everyone crowding around me. The biggest lesson I learned from this was to never take anyone for granted because in a blink of an eye they could be taken away from you forever…